Jokes (New Funnies Added August 8th, 2006)

Aug 09, 2006

The Towel Waver

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves Orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following
suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.

"Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and
should bring on a full-blown 0rgasm." They go home and follow the
therapist’s advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and
enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But
it doesn’t help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist

"Okay", he says, "let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really
works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the
Shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:

"THAT’S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!"

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

The Fireman

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE

The Poetry Contest

The finals in the annual college poetry contest were underway and much to everyone’s disbelief, it came down to two contestants.

The first, a Harvard senior of impeccable family background, was the absolute favorite. He was educated, erudite and polished to the extreme. He was also headed for Harvard Law School. The other was a senior from the Mississippi Agricultural and Technical College. He was born and raised in a trailer park, functionally illiterate and as far as you can get from the Back Bay of Boston.

The competition was relatively simple: compose a short poem that included the word "Timbuktu"—in thirty seconds.

The Harvard student went first. He thought for a bit and then stepped up to the microphone.

Slowly across the burning sand
Strode the desert caravan
Camels walking, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu

The crowd roared. After the applause died down, the kid from Mississippi Agricultural and Technical College stepped up to the microphone.

Ten seconds went by. And then another ten. Just before his allotted time was about to expire, the kid spoke.

Me and Tim a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores with an old pup tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

The kid won in a walk …...

Mad Cow Disease

A FEMALE REPORTER WAS CONDUCTING AN INTERVIEW WITH A FARMER ABOUT MAD COW DISEASE.

"MR. BROWN, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MIGHT BE THE CAUSE OF THE DISEASE? "SURE. DO YOU KNOW THE BULLS ONLY SCREW THE COWS ONCE A YEAR?"

"UMM, SIR, THAT IS A NEW PIECE OF INFORMATION, BUT WHAT’S THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THIS AND MAD COW?"

"AND DID YOU KNOW WE MILK THE COWS TWICE A DAY?"

"MR. BROWN, THAT’S INTERESTING, BUT, WHAT’S THE POINT?"

"LADY, THE POINT IS THIS: IF I’M PLAYING WITH YOUR TITS TWICE A DAY, BUT ONLY SCREWED YOU ONCE A YEAR, WOULDN’T YOU GO MAD, TOO?"

Two Women Golfers 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I’ll be all right.

I’ll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great …...but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 The Blonde and the Deodorant

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ‘’I’m sorry,’’ says the pharmacist, ‘’we don’t have any.’’

‘’But I always get it here,’’ says the blonde.

‘’Do you have the container it comes in?’’

‘’Yes!’’ says the blonde, ‘’I will go and get it.’’

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ‘’This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.’’

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ‘’To apply, push up bottom.’’

Why Do Men Pee Standing Up??

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn’t quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It’s a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please  give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have! it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last  thing I have left."

"What’s it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God
 

Sneezy

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn’t restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"

"I’m sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."  

Popsicle Wisdom

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their  8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into  operation:
"There’s a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. 
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson’s have company," he called out. "Matt’s riding a  new bike and The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad  shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How  do you know they are having  sex??"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."      

Good Business Sense

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant  when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

 The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
 
 "Oh," replies the husband, "she’s my mistress."
 
 "Well, that’s the last straw," says the wife. "I’ve had enough, I want  a divorce!"
 
 "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get 
 a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more  wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the  garage and no more yacht club,  But the decision is yours."
 
 Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe  on his arm.
 
 "Who’s that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
 
 "That’s his mistress," says her husband.
 
 "Ours is prettier," she replies.

GONE FISHING

Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed  quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to  the  garage  to  hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming  out  of  the  garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential  downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the  wind  is  blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage.  

I  came  back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.  I  find it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so  I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.  

There  I  cuddled  up  to  my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and   whispered, "The weather  out  there  is terrible."

To  which  she  sleepily  replies,  "Can  you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

Holy Water

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her Eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water.  In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said.
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter !
.
The Forgotten "R"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of Years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What’s wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was ‘celebrate’."

.

.One of the Bards Dramas
Romeo and Juliet Net Txt Version

Act 1

Login:

Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?

Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?

Romeo: Outside yr window.

Juliet: Stalker!

Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.

Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.

Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?

Juliet: ‘m up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?

Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?

Juliet: Luv U xxxx

Romeo: CU then xxxx

  Act 2

Friar: Do u?

Juliet: I do

Romeo: I do

Act 3

Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It’s the nightingale not the lark.

Romeo: OK

Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It’s the lark. U gotta go. Or die.

Romeo: Damn. I shouldn’t hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.

Juliet: When CU again?

Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.

Juliet: Miss u big time.

 Act 4

Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!

Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.

 Act 5

Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.

Juliet: Gr8.

Act 6

Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?

Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.

Romeo: TEXT ME!

Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.

 Act 7

Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this…am now poisoning & and

climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx

 Act 8

Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh…

Friar: Vry bad situation.

Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger.

Ow!!!

Logout…....!


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